But it was supposed to be. Guys I baked my FAVORITE SUPER EASY TWO STEP (no seriously just two steps) recipe for the most DELICIOUS pumpkin cake on the planet. Just for this blog. And also for Mr. Juris Doctor who had two pieces. He never has two pieces (I don’t understand this whole no sweet tooth, eat just one piece thing).
But I can’t post it.
I got hit hard today. It’s been a rough week, dealing with a series of triggering relational issues. All separate ones that carry the same theme. That plus the changing weather, the rainy skies, the lack of sun, kicked up my anxiety and depression. I’ve been managing. Sort of bouncing around like a bungee jumper after they’ve taken the dive – not hitting bottom but repeatedly yo-yoing towards it.
It felt worse for me today and I was so grateful to have my therapy appointment in the morning. As we finished, the sun came out and I thought – maybe with a little vitamin D and some good talk therapy my bungee cord won’t break and I’ll land on solid ground.
And then, of course, came the barrage of texts. I won’t get into it. At least not today. And I just…
I just feel like I can’t anymore. I just want to toss my pumpkin cake out the window and then swan dive after it. I want to crawl under the covers and melt like a stick of butter. I want to know why I should try. Try anything. Try to be a good person. A good friend. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Be open. Why I should bother blogging. Who cares about fucking pumpkin fucking cake.
I want to smoke. That’s what I want. I want to inhale the billowy claws of smoke and have them rip this unbearable pain from my chest. Be damned the long term consequences. How will there be a long term if I can’t survive right now?
Fuck the quiet voice. The softest whisper that I can somehow hear above the volcano eruptions and typhoons and earthquakes and landslides. The one that says – there will be a tomorrow so don’t give up just yet. Don’t run away. Don’t smoke. Just sit down and write what you can. Tomorrow…you can think about pumpkin cakes and why you should try.